Summer update

Well, it's been a good summer so far.  Lots of good news from friends -- jobs, apartments, engagements.  Lots of good social time, lots of ice cream and fresh fruit from the farmer's market, and I've been getting outside a lot the last few weeks learning to canoe, which has been really nice.  Haven't gotten as much done on the grad school applications front as I'd have liked quite yet, but panic mode's about to set in, and then I'll be flailing about getting everything done at once, which is how I work best anyway.  It's still my goal to be moving on from Workplace a year from now.

The parents' dog has arrived, and I like him a lot more than I expected.  He's a sweetie, and how irresistible is this face?:

Benji, with chipmunk

He likes to take my dad for walks:

Walk this way.

He also likes to bark at light fixtures, he does tricks for ice cubes, he's not very smelly, he's super cute, and he seems particularly affectionate toward me but doesn't jump up or drool on me, which is nice.  

They won the jackpot, dog-wise.  :)

Conclusions

So I had a nice long, depressing, navel-gazey post about current events and so on most of the way typed up last week, and decided to scrap it.  Just writing it had exorcised some demons, and you people don't need to share in the depressingness, amirite?  You're welcome.

Suffice it to say that last week was kind of rough on a number of levels -- national news items, local flooding and weather, I had a bad day at work, I read a couple of really depressing articles, I was in the middle of a very depressing book -- and I've decided to make a couple changes.

a) I will be trying to take a hiatus from news (or "news") articles that exist solely to inform its readership that the world is in fact an even more horrible place than we previously realized.  If someone links to an article that looks interesting, before clicking on it, I will stop and ask myself: Will reading this article actually change my life or point of view in some way for the better?  If not, how crucially important is it that I know about this in order to be a responsible, informed citizen?  If it is informing me about a problem, how critical is it that I know about it, how critical is it that I know about it right now, is it a proven problem or just latest unproven theories and findings blown out of proportion, and, most importantly, is there something I will be able to do to fix it?  If the answer's negative, I won't be reading it.

b) I'm backing away from facebook again.  I won't be deactivating it this time (Kathleen finally had her behbeh yesterday and I needs my updates), but I'm going to leave it logged out and try to only stop in a couple times a day.  I'd slowly started getting sucked back in until I was about up to my previous level of emotional involvement, and I need to nip that in the bud.  (This probably won't actually interfere with my interactions with most of the people reading this [all two of you] since I have you in a separate list I can check, and you rarely, if ever, say things that upset me.)

In general -- and this isn't just about last week, it's been coming on for a while -- I've decided that while trying to stay as up to date and informed as possible is all well and good, mental health is more important.  Unfortunately, "news" these days is I think formulated on some level less to keep you informed and more to keep you worked up.  Fox News and MSNBC are the obvious examples, but I think it's more subtle and pervasive than just those two -- I think a far smaller percentage of what comes our way masquerading as "news" actually qualifies than we realize.  I'm pretty sure I'll be well informed enough without clicking on every article that comes my way, or by wallowing in issues I already have set opinions about; the big, important news items gradually make their way through to me without my trying anyway.

Because, frankly, the extent to which my daily mental life has been filled with problems and conflict that I have absolutely no control over has left me in an unhappy and, I think, unhealthy place, and I need to start taking better care of myself.  I'm not going to start ignoring the news altogether, obviously, just try to keep it at a reasonable level.  I don't know how successful I'll be in enforcing these changes, or how successful I even really want to be, but I'm going to try to at least distance myself a little bit.

(That said, I love talking about politics and current issues with you guys -- our conversations are a very different experience than what I'm talking about.  So don't feel you suddenly need to censor yourselves around me or anything.  And this isn't so much a public announcement of Things People Need to Be Aware Of, anyway -- I'm just typing out my thoughts.)

In other news, the dog fence is in at my parents.  It's horrible.  It looks like the entire back of the house is in prison.  I mean, fucking hell.

Foiled.

Aw, dammit, my mom found the printer already. Nuts.

Keepin' busy.

So I'm coming around on the dog, a bit, and on the fence my dad's just committed to having built to create a dog pen around the back of the house.  I'm still not crazy about that last part, and, depending on how it looks, I may have it taken down again someday assuming I'm able to inherit the house in however many years.  The back stoop, its view, and the way I used to spring off it to run outside to play are a big part of the house for me, but at least my dad's trying very hard and spending a fair amount of money to try to make the fence look good.  And if the dog's not a big digger, maybe I'll plant perennials along it or something.

Speaking of the house, my mom's sister and 18 yr old son are coming to visit for the first time since the son was in diapers, and, needing only such an excuse, I spent most of the weekend out at my parents' cleaning the shelves in my old bedroom.  I'd left them in good shape when I moved out, but years of dust and the cats wreaking havoc really paid their toll.  In addition to the cats batting stuff around and knocking things onto the floor, my mom had started to erect small barriers in ineffectual attempts to keep them away from the most attractive items, and eventually she'd even taken a couple of my larger college paintings and propped them in front of the shelves, which, while failing to keep the cats out, did make it so that my parents couldn't reach and rescue anything that fell.  Then, of course, my dad had started storing crap in front of it all.

So, basically, after tunneling through my dad's book bags, empty shoeboxes, forgotten books and magazines, and various other stored items, and after removing the paintings and finding a place for them in the basement, I was confronted with an almost solid mass of my favorite stuffed animals all smushed and held together on the floor by a mix of dust bunnies and cat fur.  I dusted everyone off, said hello, and proceeded to go through each shelf, dusting and deciding what to throw out, donate, or keep.  My mom kept me company, dropping anvil-sized hints about once every hour reminding me that I was under no circumstances not to take my old college printer with me when I left.  (Joke's on her -- it's on the bottom shelf hidden behind a board game.  I'm waiting to see how long it'll take her to notice.)  Everything looks gorgeous now -- I even polished the wood -- and my dad is forbidden from storing anything directly in front of the shelves ever again.  (We'll see how well that works.)

The best part is I ran into a bunch of old printed emails from approximately 1999, mostly from Catherine, including her invitation (written entirely in rhyme) to the birthday party where we all went to see Mystery Men.  I'll be scanning some of the best of these when I get a chance.

And, inspired by all this, my dad has started working out ways to better arrange the furniture in there (it looks kind of awkward right now).  They bought a twin-sized foldaway a few years ago, which, frankly, is just too big for the space, but I think we've come up with a way for things to fit better, and I'm pretty excited that my old room might start looking nice again. :)

In which I bitch and whine. Not sorry.

My parents are getting a dog.

I'm not entirely okay with this.

It's not my decision, and it's really not any of my business since I don't live there anymore -- plus, they're getting a sheltie and shelties are SO SUPER CUTE -- but I visit them a lot, and ew, it's still a dog.  Dogs smell like dog and they drool and bark and run around and sometimes you have to touch them.  Even when you don't want to (which is always).

I'm exaggerating of course -- I don't mind dogs that much.  If my parents were pet-free at the moment I'd actually be pretty happy about the decision.  But they already have the two most perfect cats in the universe (I actually like their cats a little more than my own), and the atmosphere in their home is already pretty perfect because the cats are so calm and happy and sweet and affectionate and friendly.  I'm sure the poor things are going to run and hide the minute the dog shows up, and one of their cats has anxiety issues already and I'm sure she's going to start chewing patches of her fur off again.  I mean, my dad's been wanting a dog for years, so it was inevitable, but I was hoping they'd put it off longer.

I'm more irritated about this than I reasonably should be, and I think it's not entirely because of the cats (although that does annoy me).  This particular dog is my aunt and uncle's.  They've been spending so much time out of the house between work and driving an hour to where my cousin lives to help take care of the babies that they can't take care of the dog anymore, so they're giving it away.  They're also talking about selling their house and buying a duplex along with my cousin and her husband so that they can be right on hand to help.  So their little house might soon be gone, and I didn't realize what a psychological touchstone their little place was until this came up, so I'm a little disappointed on that front.

On top of this, technically unrelated to them moving or my parents getting a dog, my cousin's husband's health insurance unexpectedly only covered half of my cousin's hospital bill for delivering the babies, which means they're suddenly $20,000 in debt.  I think they're trying to set up some sort of payment system or something, but chances are suddenly good that we're going to have to sell my grandparents' house to cover their hospital bill.  This is another thing where it was going to happen someday, but I was hoping we'd be able to put it off longer.

My cousin's husband is of course the guy who spends much of his facebook energy deriding Obamacare.  I'm very strongly of the opinion that people can have all the stupid, ignorant opinions they want, but that they shouldn't be able to inflict them on other people.  Obviously, this is one of the main flaws of a democracy, and I understand this, but I swear, if he has the gall to continue to bitch about Obamacare after we've sold our family's house to cover his wife's hospital bill, I will hit him in the face with a 2x4.

So I think on some level I'm actually just upset about all these other changes that are going on.  When my cousin died and when my grandparents each died, I was horribly sad, but I could handle the changes it brought about in life because I had no choice, and because they were a secondary, less important symptom of the greater sadness.  I was very happy for my cousin when she got married, so I could deal with that change very easily because it was such a happy one.  Good changes are always good.  But the family maybe losing the lodge soon, and my aunt and uncle maybe moving out of their home they've been in so long, and my parents getting a dog are all changes just simply because time moves on and things change.  And they rock my foundations a bit more than I'm comfortable with.

And as to why these changes are hitting me harder than they really should, I don't know.  Maybe because I haven't gone on and created my own new family foundations?  Because there are so many other changes going on in my world that I'm uncomfortable with (the economy, friends moving farther away), that I don't want these very core things changed?  I don't think I used to be a person who couldn't handle major changes.

On top of it, I feel like I don't even really have the right to be that upset, because none of them directly effect me that badly.  They're not my major changes.  It's my parent's home and pets, not mine, and it's my aunt and uncle's house -- I see it maybe once a year.  The only thing I feel like I have any right to be upset about is selling the lodge, and that was always going to happen someday, and paying for my cousin's medical bills is as good a reason as any.  So I feel like a spoiled, overemotional brat about it.  Nobody likes that person who butts into your life and whines about how your changes effect them, and how they don't like it simply because it's different.  I certainly don't like that person.  (I don't think I actually know anyone like that, thank goodness, but I wouldn't like it).

So I'm trying to stay shut up about it around my family, and in general, after this first internal round of bitching and griping (that's what blogs are for), I'm going to try to work myself into a better mood and be a little less selfish about the whole thing (although my ire at my my cousin's husbands' political stances will probably continue to grow).  It's just that this family setting in NH, along with my parents' home, was always the very baseline of my life or identity or something, and I can feel it cracking a little bit.

I think this all just goes to drive home how poorly I'd have handled all the crap that happened in Monica's family this year if it had happened to me.  I mean, I already knew that, truly I did, but wow.

SHINY* I TELL YOU.

Last Saturday's lesson: Even if it's been three years since you last had your pupils dilated, do not allow it to happen on a sunny day after a fresh snow.  Heavens, the burning.  The world was SHINY.  SO, SO SHINY.

Life's continued to look up since my last post.  I don't know what it is, whether it's mostly hormonal, or a domino-effect of external input mixed with the weather, or what it is exactly that sends me tailspinning, or headed back up (it must be a combination), but woof.  I'm very glad to be on the light side again.

I told my mom about my grad school-ish thinky thoughts this weekend.  She got kinda quiet the way she does when I bring up this sort of thing, and I could tell she was a little worried, but she denied it and claimed indigestion.  (Although she did admit she won't be mentioning it to my worry-wort father.)  I'm terrified of the job market myself, but I really can't stand not going for it, so going for it I am.  Because seriously, the idea that I have somewhat of a plan, and that my life hasn't already come to a tragic dead end has, as one might imagine, been seriously helping my outlook on life.

I've been managing to get up a bit earlier the last couple days, as well as doing better about going to bed earlier.  Yay!  Not "on time" per se, but better.  Roomie!J has a new job which requires her to be up and in the bathroom at about the same time as I usually am, which has me motivated to get up earlier, so I can at least get started and get my things out of the main bathroom before she climbs in the shower.  If I can get really motivated, maybe I'll get up even earlier and make use of the hour between when R!K leaves for work and when R!J gets up.  Maybe.

I deactivated my facebook account last night and, after spamming my followers with the best of what was left in my draft folders, logged out of tumblr.  Both sites, while offering benefits that I will definitely miss, also routinely leave me feeling aggravated -- the internet is really amazing at bringing out the worst in people.  Also (the fact that I'm blogging right now aside), I'm hoping it'll help me focus better at work.  I'd gotten to the point where I'd be compulsively checking my tumblr dashboard pretty much constantly.  I'm happy to have cut myself loose, and if by Easter I don't really miss them, I'll probably stay away.

*Like J.J. Abrams was directing my entire life!  SHINY!

It's unusually snowy for October the 19th.

The roads are absolutely terrible tonight.  Roomie!J's boyfriend drove down from R___ where he lives to come visit her, and said he spun his truck out on Beltline.  I'm very glad I didn't have anything to do other than stay in, catch the Community premiere (yay!), pet kitties, and avoid exercising.  Roomie!K and I had a nice, hour-long chat together, which was super-enjoyable, even if it means I'm late to bed yet again.  She's a lot of fun to talk to, and she'd had a rough day, so it was good to connect and let her vent. Plus, I'm finally starting to feel better -- my period and the winter blues were hitting me harder than usual this week -- I'd been exhausted and depressed and self-pitying and crying at the drop of a hat -- and today was actually not too bad.  I had the energy to watch what I eat instead of completely wallowing in comfort food (last night I had most of a box of mac & cheese and a third of a pint of coconut macaroon ice cream for dinner; tonight was much more reasonable), and I even thought about exercising.  Plus, tomorrow's Friday!  I do loves me some weekend.

The Dean looked disconcertingly good in that wig.