True Confessions of a Worrywart

So, I had a realization today.  I was thoroughly enjoying relaxing over lunch, appreciating not having any responsibilities related to Cath's wedding hanging over my head (disclaimer: I was also thoroughly excited about and looking forward to Cath's wedding--I hope that would be obvious, Cath ;) ), when I took a read on my feelings and realized no, there was more to it than just that.  I thought about it and it occurred to me that this is actually the first time in ages that I haven't had something massive hanging over my head.  Before wedding prep it was am-i-going-to-find-a-roommate?  Before that, what decision am I going to make about going to grad school?  Before that, applying to grad schools.  Before that, researching grad schools and studying for the GRE, and before that, am I going to apply to grad school?  Before that, education classes.  Before that, other second-guessed, deadline-driven plans for grad school and the future.  It's been literally years since I haven't had something with a deadline--even if it was self-imposed--hanging over my head that I needed to be working on in my free time.

The future isn't exactly crystal-clear now, per se, but I have a deferred program sitting in my pocket that I don't need to commit to either way for months, and I'm not angsting about it.  And if I decide to do anything related to art, I have a lot of work to do just getting back into my art to the point where I have a good, creative flow going in creating a body of work that would function as a portfolio, and that is best served by taking the pressure off and allowing myself to play.  If I decide to try to edge into design/graphic arts in the meantime, I can take community night classes at Kendall at just about any time with little notice and no application process.  I have absolutely nothing hanging over my head at the moment.

It.

Feels.

Awesome.

This mini epiphany is fresh enough that I'm still getting used to the idea and am not entirely sure what it's going to mean for me and my day-to-day attitude about life.  Generally for me, when one stressful situation is over, a lesser stress point makes itself known and expands to fill the void of the previous stress point.  (I'm a worrier, what can I say?)  Will I start worrying about my love life?  Will I start focusing again on my dissatisfaction with my job, to the point where I feel like I need to take some dramatic action of some sort?  Will some entirely new situation pop up?  Will I just start stressing about stupid things like my hair and weight and personality flaws and completely blow them out of proportion?  I really hope not.  I think I have all those doors basically repaired and shut tight at the moment ...but we'll see what happens.  I feel a little bit like I'm waiting for the second shoe to drop.

In the meantime, however: studio time, canoe time, sweetcorn season, peach season, and maybe a little bit of good reading all demand my attention.  Maybe working on establishing a better sleep schedule.  Cutting down on internet time.  Improving my job performance.  Maybe I can fit in some more church stuff.  We'll see.  For a start, tonight I think I'm going to clean my room.  We'll go from there.