In which I bitch and whine. Not sorry.

My parents are getting a dog.

I'm not entirely okay with this.

It's not my decision, and it's really not any of my business since I don't live there anymore -- plus, they're getting a sheltie and shelties are SO SUPER CUTE -- but I visit them a lot, and ew, it's still a dog.  Dogs smell like dog and they drool and bark and run around and sometimes you have to touch them.  Even when you don't want to (which is always).

I'm exaggerating of course -- I don't mind dogs that much.  If my parents were pet-free at the moment I'd actually be pretty happy about the decision.  But they already have the two most perfect cats in the universe (I actually like their cats a little more than my own), and the atmosphere in their home is already pretty perfect because the cats are so calm and happy and sweet and affectionate and friendly.  I'm sure the poor things are going to run and hide the minute the dog shows up, and one of their cats has anxiety issues already and I'm sure she's going to start chewing patches of her fur off again.  I mean, my dad's been wanting a dog for years, so it was inevitable, but I was hoping they'd put it off longer.

I'm more irritated about this than I reasonably should be, and I think it's not entirely because of the cats (although that does annoy me).  This particular dog is my aunt and uncle's.  They've been spending so much time out of the house between work and driving an hour to where my cousin lives to help take care of the babies that they can't take care of the dog anymore, so they're giving it away.  They're also talking about selling their house and buying a duplex along with my cousin and her husband so that they can be right on hand to help.  So their little house might soon be gone, and I didn't realize what a psychological touchstone their little place was until this came up, so I'm a little disappointed on that front.

On top of this, technically unrelated to them moving or my parents getting a dog, my cousin's husband's health insurance unexpectedly only covered half of my cousin's hospital bill for delivering the babies, which means they're suddenly $20,000 in debt.  I think they're trying to set up some sort of payment system or something, but chances are suddenly good that we're going to have to sell my grandparents' house to cover their hospital bill.  This is another thing where it was going to happen someday, but I was hoping we'd be able to put it off longer.

My cousin's husband is of course the guy who spends much of his facebook energy deriding Obamacare.  I'm very strongly of the opinion that people can have all the stupid, ignorant opinions they want, but that they shouldn't be able to inflict them on other people.  Obviously, this is one of the main flaws of a democracy, and I understand this, but I swear, if he has the gall to continue to bitch about Obamacare after we've sold our family's house to cover his wife's hospital bill, I will hit him in the face with a 2x4.

So I think on some level I'm actually just upset about all these other changes that are going on.  When my cousin died and when my grandparents each died, I was horribly sad, but I could handle the changes it brought about in life because I had no choice, and because they were a secondary, less important symptom of the greater sadness.  I was very happy for my cousin when she got married, so I could deal with that change very easily because it was such a happy one.  Good changes are always good.  But the family maybe losing the lodge soon, and my aunt and uncle maybe moving out of their home they've been in so long, and my parents getting a dog are all changes just simply because time moves on and things change.  And they rock my foundations a bit more than I'm comfortable with.

And as to why these changes are hitting me harder than they really should, I don't know.  Maybe because I haven't gone on and created my own new family foundations?  Because there are so many other changes going on in my world that I'm uncomfortable with (the economy, friends moving farther away), that I don't want these very core things changed?  I don't think I used to be a person who couldn't handle major changes.

On top of it, I feel like I don't even really have the right to be that upset, because none of them directly effect me that badly.  They're not my major changes.  It's my parent's home and pets, not mine, and it's my aunt and uncle's house -- I see it maybe once a year.  The only thing I feel like I have any right to be upset about is selling the lodge, and that was always going to happen someday, and paying for my cousin's medical bills is as good a reason as any.  So I feel like a spoiled, overemotional brat about it.  Nobody likes that person who butts into your life and whines about how your changes effect them, and how they don't like it simply because it's different.  I certainly don't like that person.  (I don't think I actually know anyone like that, thank goodness, but I wouldn't like it).

So I'm trying to stay shut up about it around my family, and in general, after this first internal round of bitching and griping (that's what blogs are for), I'm going to try to work myself into a better mood and be a little less selfish about the whole thing (although my ire at my my cousin's husbands' political stances will probably continue to grow).  It's just that this family setting in NH, along with my parents' home, was always the very baseline of my life or identity or something, and I can feel it cracking a little bit.

I think this all just goes to drive home how poorly I'd have handled all the crap that happened in Monica's family this year if it had happened to me.  I mean, I already knew that, truly I did, but wow.

SHINY* I TELL YOU.

Last Saturday's lesson: Even if it's been three years since you last had your pupils dilated, do not allow it to happen on a sunny day after a fresh snow.  Heavens, the burning.  The world was SHINY.  SO, SO SHINY.

Life's continued to look up since my last post.  I don't know what it is, whether it's mostly hormonal, or a domino-effect of external input mixed with the weather, or what it is exactly that sends me tailspinning, or headed back up (it must be a combination), but woof.  I'm very glad to be on the light side again.

I told my mom about my grad school-ish thinky thoughts this weekend.  She got kinda quiet the way she does when I bring up this sort of thing, and I could tell she was a little worried, but she denied it and claimed indigestion.  (Although she did admit she won't be mentioning it to my worry-wort father.)  I'm terrified of the job market myself, but I really can't stand not going for it, so going for it I am.  Because seriously, the idea that I have somewhat of a plan, and that my life hasn't already come to a tragic dead end has, as one might imagine, been seriously helping my outlook on life.

I've been managing to get up a bit earlier the last couple days, as well as doing better about going to bed earlier.  Yay!  Not "on time" per se, but better.  Roomie!J has a new job which requires her to be up and in the bathroom at about the same time as I usually am, which has me motivated to get up earlier, so I can at least get started and get my things out of the main bathroom before she climbs in the shower.  If I can get really motivated, maybe I'll get up even earlier and make use of the hour between when R!K leaves for work and when R!J gets up.  Maybe.

I deactivated my facebook account last night and, after spamming my followers with the best of what was left in my draft folders, logged out of tumblr.  Both sites, while offering benefits that I will definitely miss, also routinely leave me feeling aggravated -- the internet is really amazing at bringing out the worst in people.  Also (the fact that I'm blogging right now aside), I'm hoping it'll help me focus better at work.  I'd gotten to the point where I'd be compulsively checking my tumblr dashboard pretty much constantly.  I'm happy to have cut myself loose, and if by Easter I don't really miss them, I'll probably stay away.

*Like J.J. Abrams was directing my entire life!  SHINY!

It's unusually snowy for October the 19th.

The roads are absolutely terrible tonight.  Roomie!J's boyfriend drove down from R___ where he lives to come visit her, and said he spun his truck out on Beltline.  I'm very glad I didn't have anything to do other than stay in, catch the Community premiere (yay!), pet kitties, and avoid exercising.  Roomie!K and I had a nice, hour-long chat together, which was super-enjoyable, even if it means I'm late to bed yet again.  She's a lot of fun to talk to, and she'd had a rough day, so it was good to connect and let her vent. Plus, I'm finally starting to feel better -- my period and the winter blues were hitting me harder than usual this week -- I'd been exhausted and depressed and self-pitying and crying at the drop of a hat -- and today was actually not too bad.  I had the energy to watch what I eat instead of completely wallowing in comfort food (last night I had most of a box of mac & cheese and a third of a pint of coconut macaroon ice cream for dinner; tonight was much more reasonable), and I even thought about exercising.  Plus, tomorrow's Friday!  I do loves me some weekend.

The Dean looked disconcertingly good in that wig. 

Wheee! :D

So, one change from my old apartment is that my bedroom in the new one has a southern exposure instead of a northern one.  This means that on the rare occasion that we've had sun in the last few months, I've been able to get ready for work with sun streaming in the window. :)  It's wonderful.  That was the case this morning, and I could even hear birds singing outside.  Monica and I met at a Starbucks to do homework together at one point last winter, and when a couple moved away from a table by the window, I asked if she minded if we moved to take their place.  She blinked at me a bit in confusion, so I pointed out that it was by the window (yay), and she said "Oh. You're one of those people."  Yes.  I'm one of those people.  It's true.  My mom used to joke that I was solar powered.

I do wonder a bit if it's going to provide problems come summer.  It's already been established that I need it to be colder to sleep at night than my roommates do -- which is no problem this time of year, because we don't pay for heat, so I just crack open my window when I go to bed.  But come summer when we're paying for air conditioning, nobody else wants it as cold as I do, and I'm on the sunny side of the building?  Things might get tense.  We'll see.

At any rate, it was sunny this morning, the birds were out, and I decided to wear pink shoes for the occasion. :)

Blërg

Ugh.  I have got PMS and the winter blues like a crazyperson.  I am to that point of kicking chairs and cursing at the copy machine and glowering at anyone who has the audacity to walk past my office door.  Don't come any further, I say.  I'mma bite-cher head off like it's made of chocolate.  Rrrrr.

...Is it made of chocolate?

Strike that.

I mean, I have some good books I'm reading.  That's cool.  I'd rather be spending more time reading them and less time doing other less pleasant, more real-lifey shit, but then, what else is new.  I'm thinking grad schooley thoughts and whatnot, so that's... good?  Signs of false hope and a lack of connection with reality?  Hopefully just hope.

But what I could really use is spring.  Spring spring spring.  And ibu-profen.  I have ibu-profen, but spring... remains illusive. *Glares at snow out the window*  Sigh.

Let's see, let's see, what else is new.  I'm ditching facebook and tumblr.  (At least for a couple months.)  So maybe I'll be around here a bit more?  Also, I'm resolving to keep in better touch with my far-far-away friends.  I called Michele last weekend -- Catherine, you're next. :)  Also, I'm going to get back on pftt and try to catch up there (hiiii, Shannon).  And catch up on Cath's and Monica's blogs.  And maybe tweet more?  We'll see.

Also thinking about signing up for some time in a clay studio, and I'm buying a new sketchbook and some paint markers.  Maybe I'll post pictures here if I actually turn out anything.

Back to work.  Adios, amigos (amigas?).  Catch you lay-teyres.